Listening To My Kids

Welcome to the February edition of the Simply Living Blog Carnival - New Beginnings cohosted by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children, Laura at Authentic Parenting, Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy, and Joella at Fine and Fair. This month's topic, our writers consider where they are with their New Year's Resolutions or new ventures of 2013. Please check out the links to posts by our other participants at the end of this post.

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I do not live a particularly simple life. I have a husband and three daughters and I work half-time as a teacher in the public school system. Like many families my husband and I juggle jobs, school drop off and pick up, childcare (thankfully my mother), activities, and professional development. For all intents and purposes we are a typical suburban family.

A wet coast walk in Steveston, a picturesque 

fishing village down the street from our home.

I do dream of the simplified rural life, free of time constraints and pressures of urban living, where we could live on one income so I could be at home full time with my daughters.

From our trip to Salt Spring Island last year - the trip that 

reawakened my modern homesteading dreams.

This is why I am grateful that I work half time and have my summers off; I can do a vegetable garden, bike ride as much as possible, cook from scratch and make rather than buy.

Before we plunged head first into the school years I always said that I could not spend my days chauffeuring my children from activity to activity, filling their days with lessons and sports and classes. I vowed that each child would be enrolled in a maximum of one class at a time because I remember the golden days of my childhood when my friends and I played for hours, unaware of the time until we heard mothers calling children home for dinner. I wanted my own children to know the joys of playing pretend and making things. I did not want to have their time scheduled and planned for them so that they would not know what to do with themselves when there was a free moment.

Oh the simple joys of childhood.

As they say, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that. We largely resisted after school and weekend activities as long as we could, until my oldest became aware of things that her friends were doing. She joined one activity that she wanted to do with a friend. Then came another that she "really" wanted to do. Then swimming lessons (for safety) and others. Add to that a younger sister who is now in school and wanted to do two different things. When I returned to work after having my third daughter, things became a constant juggling act, which is not unique to families these days.

Ice skating lessons

This school year I relented and between my two oldest girls they were signed up for several activities. Two of the activities I practically begged my girls not to join but they insisted that they truly wanted to do them. I had my doubts but listened to my kids. I know this may sound selfish, but taking them to activities takes away from things I like to do. But if they really wanted to do them, I would be a bad mother for not indulging them, right? So I relented on my one activity per kid rule.

The initial excitement of something new quickly faded as the reality of schedules sank in for my girls. They had to miss out on playing with a friend here and there, and a few times friend fun had to end early to make it to an activity. My three girls are good friends with each other and generally all three are included in the fun because they use their imagination so much, going on adventures and secret missions together.

This is how I sometimes find them, all cuddled up together.

It became a battle to end their play at home to get ready and make it to an activity on time. But because we had made "the commitment", they had to go. I was teaching my girls about responsibility and follow through. You start something, you finish it. This became my mantra everyday when I had to deal with tears, pouting, screaming and procrastinating when it was time to get ready.

I began to dread the days we had to go somewhere for my girls, especially my middle daughter. I couldn't take the fights, and so once in a while, when we were running so behind because of the battles that we would be over ten minutes late, I relented and said that we weren't going. Immediately I felt like I had cursed them to a life of dropping out and failure because I had not made them finish what they started. But I also felt great relief at the end of the bad feelings, tightness in my chest and popping blood vessel in my forehead.

Gymnastics class - one loves it, one does not.

Over the Christmas holidays, when we had endless time to play, explore, make and do, when I noticed how free and happy my girls were, I began to reassess what I was doing. Did it really matter if they quit something? Would it make them "better people" if I forced them to continue with something that caused them angst? They have a lifetime to develop interests, skills and knowledge. They have a lifetime to learn about adult responsibility, but they are children now. I decided to let them quit all but one activity that they enjoy.

It feels good to simplify our lives. Sometimes it is important for me to listen to what my girls are telling me with their behaviour. I need to remember what makes us happy and stick to it.

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I have since backtracked somewhat on my one activity rule because both older girls have begged me to let them take skating lessons again, on top of the one activity they chose. Never say never, right? There have been no battles getting ready so far, partly because I had a big talk with my girls about all of this and included them in the decision process. That and they know it ends in March, and I know that my own parenting "rules" can and should be broken when my kids need it. The longer I'm at this parenting gig the more I realize how little I know and how my kids and I are just figuring things out together as we go along. But simplifying things a little feels good and we all feel more relaxed and happy.

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Thank you for visiting the Simply Living Blog Carnival cohosted by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children, Laura at Authentic Parenting, Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy, and Joella at Fine and Fair. Read about how others are incorporating simple living into their lives via new beginnings. We hope you will join us next month, as the Simply Living Blog Carnival focuses on Clearing the Clutter!

   

• Using Special Time to Simply Connect - Amber at Heart Wanderings begins to focus on simply connecting with each of her children for a few minutes of Special Time each day. A deeper connection and sense of joy, softening of emotional outbursts, and less sibling rivalry have resulted from this practice.
• Redefining Simplicity - Living within our needs - Survivor from Surviving Mexico talks about how moving from a first-world country to a third world country has changed her family's perception of simplicity. Adapting to this new life has not been easy, but can be done with an attitude of gratitude.
• Changes - Sustainable mom writes about how she is bringing back a beat to a rhythm that has been falling apart.
• Listening to my Kids - Christy at Eco Journey In The Burbs is seeking peace and freedom after over-scheduling her daughters.
• Thankful to Begin Again - Mercedes @ Project Procastinot learns a lesson from her twins.
• Changes for a New Year - Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children is concentrating on making small changes this year in an effort to make better habits.
• Parenting Two: A Fresh Start - Joella at Fine and Fair embraces the transition as her family grows as a new beginning by being gentle with herself and realistic with her expectations.
• Finding Balance - At Authentic Parenting, Laura looks at where she's gotten fighting depression and aspiring to a more harmonious life.

 

2012 Highlight Reel

2012 has been a busy year of settling into routines, which has allowed me to try new projects and new ideas, this blog being one of them. Often at this time of year, after the big family festivities are over, I feel stuck in a rut, like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. To help me feel a sense of accomplishment I want to look back over the year and think about everything that has helped me move forward on my life path.

When my children were very little most of my energies were devoted to meeting their immediate needs. I know that some women are able to balance their babies' needs and their own, but I am not one of them. Working part time and being a mother was pretty much all I could handle. As much as some say it might not be emotionally healthy, I am an all or nothing sort of person, as my husband will tell you. I think that in the past I have avoided getting into something new because I don't enjoy it unless I can throw myself wholeheartedly into it, which leaves little of my attention for anything else. Therefore it isn't surprising that looking after a baby took much of what I had to give.

My wee one when she was a newborn. 

My youngest daughter will be turning three in 2013 and I am finally beginning to feel like she does not require my full and undivided attention all day long as infants do. There are moments I can carve out for my own projects and passions that sustain me and fulfill my creative side, which I have been missing for a long time. Not for long, mind you, because she is a little monkey and into everything so much more than I remember my other daughters being. She has redecorated my walls with pens, added colour to my couch with juice, and added patterns to my carpet with a sharpie.

I want my daughters to see me being a life-long learner and meaningfully engaged in something because I believe that modelling is one of the best form of learning for children. It fills my heart to hear my daughters'  questions about what I am doing and see my daughters grab crafting supplies to make alongside me. I want them to be happy in life and I believe one path to happiness is to have interests and passions.

I am grateful that I have developed an interest in photography because it gives me something creative I can do with small children. Besides, what parent doesn't like taking pictures of their kids?!

My five year old in particular has followed in my footsteps and enjoys photography.

It is easy as a women to be overly harsh and self-judging. I could compare myself to the other mothers who always seem to be more calm, patient and together than me. I could compare myself to other crafters or gardeners who seem more knowledgeable and talented. I'm sure, though, that for every person I could compare myself to there is someone who sees me as talented and knowledgeable. I'm not saying I am talented because I know what is going on in my head and I am there for the behind-the-scenes daily grind of my life. I see my good, bad and ugly and therefore it is easy to judge myself. I must remember that every single person has that kind of messy life behind the closed doors of their life as well. There will always be someone who is more green than me, more eco-conscious than me, and I am working on seeing them as someone to follow and learn from rather than a measure of my inadequateness as an environmentally aware person.

source: www.spirituallythinking.blogspot.com

So, as a reminder to myself of my highlight reel for 2012, I've compiled a list of things of which I am proud, things for me to read on my low days, when I am feeling overly judgemental of myself. This is my top ten list to read to myself to give me energy when I need a do-over.

1. This past summer, when my youngest daughter was almost two and a half years old she weaned. After struggling for the first two months with my first two daughters and having a rocky breastfeeding relationship, breastfeeding went very smoothly, one might even say naturally, with my third daughter. I attribute it to a spontaneous, unmedicated home birth in which we had immediate uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact for at least the first hour (as far as I can remember) of her life. Weaning my youngest brought to an end over 68 months of breastfeeding in total between each of my daughters. I know that I did my best to give them the best start in life that I was capable of and I am proud of what my body was able to do for them. I feel very good that I sustained them with the most Earth-friendly nourishment that I could (I am not judging mothers who made other choices about how to feed their babies by saying this). While I was ready for that part of our relationship to end, my daughter wasn't fully prepared and to this day she occasionally likes to climb into my lap and pretend to have her beloved "milky milky".

My wee one breastfeeding her baby - modelling behaviours at it's best!

2. We continue to search for ways to reduce our use of single use disposable items. We have not used paper napkins or paper towels for years (with a perhaps two lapses per year when we have a large party and know we will run out of cloth napkins for all the guests). I have used cloth feminine napkins for at least a decade now.

purchased from www.mylittlegreenshop.com

This year I added stainless steel straws to our home, along with an increasing number of stainless steel dishes and containers to slowly replace plastic in our home. I love how stainless steel cleans up and does not retain the smell of the food the way that plastic can.

3. We continue to find ways to detoxify our cleaning products more natural, less chemical-based ingredients. I have fully switched to vinegar and baking soda alone for the majority of our household cleaning needs. We use mostly soap nuts for washing our clothes, but I am finding that they are not great for removing stains. I found a link for making my own laundry soap and that will be something I try in the new year. The last two areas where I would like to find something more natural are in our dishwashing soap and dishwashing machine detergent.

4. This year we completely eliminated commercial air fresheners because of their toxic ingredients and links to a variety of health concerns. We currently use baking soda for kitty litter odour (open box near the kitty litter box) and drops of essential oil in high odour areas like the bathroom. Occasionally I put a drop or two of essential oil of choice the wax of a burning candle to diffuse the smell quickly. We used to use incense quite extensively but have not done so as much recently. I find the best way to freshen the smell in a room is to just open a window. One thing I would like to focus more on in the new year is the use of plants for room air quality. We have very few indoor plants because our cats are very naughty and kill them by chewing on the leaves.

5. I am slowly learning ways to detoxify personal care products such as creams, shampoos, toothpaste, deodorant and make up. We have used "natural" toothpaste for years but I would like to challenge myself to make my own at some point in the future. I have found some interesting links for making my own on Pinterest and I'm excited to source ingredients. This past year I found some very expensive make up (eyeliner and mascara) at a local natural foods grocery store. The ingredients seem to be good but the product comes from Germany and when I say it is expensive I am not exaggerating ($40 mascara anyone?). To compensate for this I am trying to go without as much as I feel comfortable. This means going au naturel on days that I don't go to work or have a dress up event (I'm somewhat vain and sometimes feel like I need a little more colour). I am slowly transitioning to natural crystal deodorant because the ingredients in my antiperspirant are horrible (including horrible fragrance, or "parfum", which is linked to a variety of health concerns such as asthma and other respiratory illnesses). I am finding this a challenge, however, because I am a very sweaty person. I have a phobia of sweat marks on my clothing and crystal deodorant just doesn't cut it in that department. Again, I am compensating by using the crystal deodorant on my days off work. One area in which I am most proud is switching to baking soda and apple cider vinegar to wash my hair (called the "no-poo"method).

6. I am almost ready to call myself a vegetable gardener. I have dabbled in container gardening over the past ten years while living in apartments and a townhouse. Almost three years ago we moved into our new home, our first single family house with a large backyard and I was most excited about having room to have a vegetable garden. This has been a very gradual process with adding a new raised garden bed each summer we have lived here. I hope to have a maximum of four raised beds in the backyard next summer. I did very well with just two raised beds this past summer, growing dozens of vegetables and this fall I planted garlic for the first time. I know just a little bit, in fact only enough to know how much I don't know, but I'm game to experiment and learn. It was interesting to participate in our local CSA to compare what we received with what we grew, and this has increased my desire to branch out and try eating and growing new foods (like fava beans). My mother gave me a subscription to a Canadian gardening magazine, and I have a subscription to an organic gardening magazine and I bought a how-to guide for winter gardening. Once the dust settles on the festive season I will devote some serious time to planning my summer garden.

My garden mid summer this year.

7. I am not a baker. A friend has blogged about there being cooking people and baking people. I am decidedly in the former camp because I like to experiment and substitute, which just does not work with baking. When I do want to bake I don't have the correct ingredients because I never bake. I do, however, like to eat baked goods. A favourite of mine is breakfast scones. For a few years now I have bought my scones at my local grocery store. The drawback is that they come in a plastic container that I then have to recycle. I have been trying to focus on reducing what I consume before recycling what I use because of the energy used to recycle paper, plastic, metal and glass. The plastic waste finally got to me and a few months ago I started baking my scones each week. With practice I am getting better and am starting to expand my repertoire of baked goods.  Another reason I feel good about this is because I know what has gone into my baked goods. I can make them as natural and healthy as I want rather than having a bunch of ingredients I cannot pronounce that are there to increase shelf life.

My delicious, home-baked cheese scones for breakfast.

8. I've been trying to use my bike more in 2012. As my children get older and more capable my ability to bike with them will increase, making it easier to get out on my bike for daily errands and local commuting. There have been some blips and blurps along my path, as I'm sure there will continue to be, but I'm trying. I hope that as the weather warms and dries up in the spring and summer I will be more exclusive in my bike use.

9. After pinning dozens of knitting and crocheting ideas on Pinterest, I finally dusted off my knitting needles and finished some beginner projects for Christmas presents. I value making presents for people I love and I made each of my daughters scarves and each of the ladies in my extended family infinity scarves. My daughters had fun looking through my yarn bin and we found a few incomplete projects from years ago that I am now motivated to finish. I hope to take a knitting course or two to help me make progress in knitting in the round, turning the heel on socks and pick up stitches so I can complete some more advanced projects. I used to knit and crochet, especially for baby gifts, but when my own children entered the picture I lost the energy and time to keep up with it. That, along with small hands getting into my things and pulling all the stitches off needles made me put my yarn and needles away for over eight years.

10. I have been mulling and pondering about creating this blog for over a year, but I have been intimidated by the talented men and women out there writing about and sharing their thoughts and reflections. I was also scared of a learning curve with blogging and didn't know where to begin. I finally decided to just jump in with both feet and not worry about whether anyone would ever read my blog. If I'm being honest I'd admit that I want someone to read this blog - otherwise I would just write my thoughts in a journal. I'm proud that I started sharing my journey, even if it just documents for myself what I'm doing. I do believe that it is making me feel more accountable and more clear in what I am doing and hope to do. Something that I'm pondering now is writing for a supposed audience, of which every writer must be thinking about, versus writing for myself, because the two are often quite different.